Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
