Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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