i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
