dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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