are you still at the devil's house?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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