One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize