I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
