Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
