I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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