Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
