These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
