remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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