do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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