I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
