Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
