I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
