Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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