The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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