I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
