Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
