All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
