he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
