when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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