thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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