1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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