i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
