I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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