Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Who died my cat blue again?
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