Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
how drunk are you?
Several
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
