So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Even the bartender felt bad for me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
