Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
