Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
