that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
