i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
