Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My bed smells like the plague
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
