I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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