Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
