he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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