then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
that may or may not have been my penis.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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