I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
