I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i now understand why vodka
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
