If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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