dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
it's not cheating when I paid for it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
