Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
