Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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