i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
