WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
everyone is single if you try hard enough
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
