I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A bitchslap is in order.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
