If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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