how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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