hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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