It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
