just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
