I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
