textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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