made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
