It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
