Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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